Weekendcoffeeshare: Trigger

This coffee will be a bit bitter, it won’t taste good and I’m sorry, but if you care to have a cup with me: tank you and be careful.

I will talk about suicide. Not a nice topic, right? I’m used to write rather unpleasant things, but this will be actually painful to write about. I will tell you my story, the uncensored version of all the things that happened during the last few years related to suicide. If you are sensitive to this topic feel free to stop whenever you like.

Since I know not many of you will scroll down and read through everything I will say the most important thing here at the top: Stop romanticizing suicide.

I’ve got plenty of reasons to beat your ass if you do. First of all it is a thought that goes through so many people’s mind that they could find a justification in your goddamned words or your bullshit pictures and messages. Suicide is death, and why would you drag down a person like this? Even more if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, cause it’s dragging down people along with you. Look for help, talk to a suicide hotline, talk to someone, don’t fucking make it look romantic.
Second thing: it is a trigger to many people. I don’t give a shit about your “they shouldn’t have looked at that content”, cause it’s visible and it could be found every-fucking-where.

To me it is a huge trigger. I’m not in the right state of mind to write a proper post. I am pissed to say the least. I can’t feel my hands as they run through the keyboard, they are stone cold, and I’m cold sweating. I can barely speak and stand, and my eyes are filled with tears I will fucking hold.

I was eighteen when my best friend committed suicide out of the blue. Last time I heard from him everything was doing just fine, he and his girlfriend were having a baby, they were living together, everything was fucking fine. And then, months later I receive a text message “He told me things aren’t good there and that you would not be fine after this, I’m worried, can you call him?”
I did. An intercontinental call he didn’t answer. I called his mother and she told me about his death.
You don’t need the details on why he did it: he’s gone.
But here’s how I felt. I was lost. I cannot remember what happened that day cause I blacked out. I found the strenght to barely tell two friends, fullstop. And everything froze.
Trauma. Nightmares, hallucinations, he was everywhere when I least expected it. It’s been four years now, and I’ve seen many therapists.
I had the thought myself, if you are wondering, and it’s fucking scary. It’s horrible how easy and tempting it looks. That’s why I know I need to contact the hospital if it happens, and being scared by my mind reminds me how I long for life.

Now, you’ve already read about what happens when I read your stupid romantic suicide related stuff, but let’s just give you an idea of the full experience. If someone mentions having thoughts like that I basically run to them, I’d do everything, even physically, to stop them. I can also get hella angry and that’s the best that could happen.

I’ve spent a whole year with someone romanticizing it, and it almost killed me for real. I will never forget the night they told me they would do it. I will stop here, cause this is too personal, but just imagine sitting in the living room, with your parents trying to calm you down while you cry, and scream, and count the ambulances passing by.

This is what happens in my mind specifically, but I’m sure someone else have it worse. So please, stop with your goddamn bullshit and try to think about it.
If you share them cause you truly find them romantic… you disgust me. If we are friends, well, let’s say it will end right here and right now.
If you share them in need for attention, there’s plenty other ways to obtain it. And if we’re friends, I’ve probably contacted you already to offer some support ignoring my fucking emotions.
If you need help, remember that there are many ways to get in contact with someone. You can even find suicide hotlines on wikipedia
Stop with the bullshit and be safe.

I hope I’ll piss off all of you people with this post. Cheers, merry christmas.

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